Fertility Problems Suck!

This post has been swimming around in my head for a while now, I was unsure if I should write it at all for fear off offending people or making anyone uncomfortable, but ultimately I have realised the reason I started blogging was for me and I will write what I need.

My fertility has been an issue for a long long time, me and my Husband Marc married in 2002 and decided to try for a family fairly soon after, we decided that we would just let it happen naturally and not worry about it, but after 2 years and no joy, we began to worry, so we started testing with fertility doctors, I was a size 12/14 at this point with no real health issues, but I was told I needed to loose weight and then I would be considered for IVF, this really frustrated me as I was comfortable with my size and happy with my life and I couldn’t get pregnant as a size 8/10, so my weight was not an issue then, so why is it now?

This blog post is for me to get out of my head the thoughts and feelings that are constantly swimming around and to show how my mind works, I know there are other women out there with similar issues and we all have different reactions to our situations but I wanted to not feel so alone in it, so thought I would share.

Trying to get pregnant is supposed to be an exciting time for a couple, planning a family takes a lot of courage and trust in a relationship (for me at least), When we started trying it was exciting each month waiting to see if there would be a missed period? Would we need the tests we had stockpiled, just in case?

For a couple trying that wait is agonising and every month when that period arrives, at fist it is ok, just have to keep trying, its all part of the fun, no? but when that happens month after month it begins to feel like a kick to the stomach every time it arrives, we have now been trying for nearly 10 year, and month after month it is slowly wearing me down.

I want to be able to say yeah lets not bother trying anymore lets just get on with life but, even though everyone has a story about how they have a friend who this happened to and as soon as they stopped they fell, seriously it is easier said than done, and I do know someone who this worked for, my own sister and she now has 10yr old Twin boys.

The fertility doctors have never given me a definitive answer, it is always you probably cant conceive on your own, you have lots of issues but no definite cause! if the just said you can NOT have children at all, it would be able to let go and live life, but right now all I want is to be a mummy, I love being a step mum, and my stepson Joshua is seriously my little man, I love him more than anything, we want to give him a sibling here, and for me, I want to be a mum to my own son or daughter in the biological sense. 

Now at the moment, I am in a very bad place mentally and have been told they will not give me any help until me BMI is in their recommended range, which is the NHS’s rules and thats fine, but as I am currently in a place where I am accepting my body as it is, and learning to love myself having to loose the weight sucks, I fear being ostracised from the plus community I love because I have gone on the dreaded Diet, but I also need to do this so I can try the IVF and know I have done everything within my power to make being a parent again possible for me and Marc.

So what this boils down to, is that I will be loosing weight in the future and would love support from those able to give it, and hope I don't inadvertently upset people in the plus community, I am not loosing weight because I hate myself or because I feel there is something wrong with my size, because I really don’t, any health problems I have, I had as a size 8 and they are no worse for being the size I am now, but this is something I am going to have to do.

This post really is a mess and I apologise but my thoughts are so allover the place at the moment, which is why I am on a bit of a twitter silence, I needed time to get my head around things. 

Thank you for reading, if you are in a similar situation with fertility and need someone to talk to email me, I am very open about it. xx

Mhairi. x

OOTD - Introduction to me!

Kind of a bit crumpled and creased as I helped my mum get set off to her new house today after having her stay with us for the last 6 odd weeks, but thought it was about time I bit the bullet and took a photo of myself.

Now I have to point out that we have been in the house a while but it needs so much work done that it is a total mess, as you can see by the paint work, so I will try to take more photos outside on nice days. x

You can almost make out my pooch Poppy looking at me like im mad, we also have toby so ill add a couple of pictures on now as they will no doubt invade most of my pictures!

Dress was brought from Evans sale last week for £10 and leggings are from Debenhams.

The first picture is poppy our 5 yr old staff x G. Shepherd and the next is out 2 yr old staff x Collie they can usually be found sitting all over me so will no doubt make a few appearances.

Now for a little bit of background and an idea of what you might find on my blog.

I have been plus size for about the last 10 years and have found out that I am unable to concieve children naturally but due to my weight I can not have IVF until I reach there healthy weight, so you may find the odd rant about how much I hate diets and salads, sorry!

When I was at school I was between a size 8 and a 10 when I left for college but due to a few mean comments and my own self esteem I honestly saw myself as about a size 16 I often bought clothing too big for me because i believed it was the size I needed.

Now that I am fat I never really see myself as fat, I am just me, my husband loves me and is happy when I am happy so my weight loss is for my health and fertility not because I hate myself. ( although I do get those days!)

I am going to try to post some outfits and my wish lists but I will also include some of my photography as it is my passion and makes me happy.

Mhairi. xxxx

Please Enjoy.