This post has been swimming around in my head for a while now, I was unsure if I should write it at all for fear off offending people or making anyone uncomfortable, but ultimately I have realised the reason I started blogging was for me and I will write what I need.
My fertility has been an issue for a long long time, me and my Husband Marc married in 2002 and decided to try for a family fairly soon after, we decided that we would just let it happen naturally and not worry about it, but after 2 years and no joy, we began to worry, so we started testing with fertility doctors, I was a size 12/14 at this point with no real health issues, but I was told I needed to loose weight and then I would be considered for IVF, this really frustrated me as I was comfortable with my size and happy with my life and I couldn’t get pregnant as a size 8/10, so my weight was not an issue then, so why is it now?
This blog post is for me to get out of my head the thoughts and feelings that are constantly swimming around and to show how my mind works, I know there are other women out there with similar issues and we all have different reactions to our situations but I wanted to not feel so alone in it, so thought I would share.
Trying to get pregnant is supposed to be an exciting time for a couple, planning a family takes a lot of courage and trust in a relationship (for me at least), When we started trying it was exciting each month waiting to see if there would be a missed period? Would we need the tests we had stockpiled, just in case?
For a couple trying that wait is agonising and every month when that period arrives, at fist it is ok, just have to keep trying, its all part of the fun, no? but when that happens month after month it begins to feel like a kick to the stomach every time it arrives, we have now been trying for nearly 10 year, and month after month it is slowly wearing me down.
I want to be able to say yeah lets not bother trying anymore lets just get on with life but, even though everyone has a story about how they have a friend who this happened to and as soon as they stopped they fell, seriously it is easier said than done, and I do know someone who this worked for, my own sister and she now has 10yr old Twin boys.
The fertility doctors have never given me a definitive answer, it is always you probably cant conceive on your own, you have lots of issues but no definite cause! if the just said you can NOT have children at all, it would be able to let go and live life, but right now all I want is to be a mummy, I love being a step mum, and my stepson Joshua is seriously my little man, I love him more than anything, we want to give him a sibling here, and for me, I want to be a mum to my own son or daughter in the biological sense.
Now at the moment, I am in a very bad place mentally and have been told they will not give me any help until me BMI is in their recommended range, which is the NHS’s rules and thats fine, but as I am currently in a place where I am accepting my body as it is, and learning to love myself having to loose the weight sucks, I fear being ostracised from the plus community I love because I have gone on the dreaded Diet, but I also need to do this so I can try the IVF and know I have done everything within my power to make being a parent again possible for me and Marc.
So what this boils down to, is that I will be loosing weight in the future and would love support from those able to give it, and hope I don't inadvertently upset people in the plus community, I am not loosing weight because I hate myself or because I feel there is something wrong with my size, because I really don’t, any health problems I have, I had as a size 8 and they are no worse for being the size I am now, but this is something I am going to have to do.
This post really is a mess and I apologise but my thoughts are so allover the place at the moment, which is why I am on a bit of a twitter silence, I needed time to get my head around things.
Thank you for reading, if you are in a similar situation with fertility and need someone to talk to email me, I am very open about it. xx
Mhairi. x
Just wanted to send you a lot of hugs and I hope you're able to figure out what's best for you.
ReplyDeleteA big part of my weight loss was pregnancy motivated and for me I know I struggle with cysts when I'm just 20-30lbs overweight (and got a tumor that resulted in my losing an ovary around that weight), below that my issues seem to go away. So I think it's a worthy goal to shoot for. We haven't TTCed yet because we're waiting for me to reach my goal and also for some financial goals to fall into place first.
But I wanted to let you know there are healthy ways to lose weight and unhealthy ways. It sounds like you're at a good place mentally, which I think is an amazing way to start of a health weight loss journey.
Anyways, if you ever need someone to talk to about it, you can always email me or check out any of my posts about weight loss in my blog.
Hugs once again.
Thank you, your support is really appreciated, I will head over to your blog and have a good search through. xxx
DeleteThank you for sharing. It must have been a difficult post.
ReplyDeleteYou really don`t need to justify yourself at all.
It`s your life after all, right? ^^d
Can very well understand where you`re coming from
and how hard it is for those who really want children but
have difficulties with it.
I`ve had mixed feelings about starting a family (because
my marriage hasn`t been exactly great) but in the past
18 months I`ve had two miscarriages and I admit, it has
hurt like hell. Not only physically..
mentally more draining than anything.
I`m sure my weight has a lot to do with it, also my messed
up hormones (hence the weight >.<) ..
Anyway, you`re going about this in a very healthy way and I hope
everything will work out for you as you`ve wished. <3
Most important is to be comfortable with yourself. The rest
will follow for sure. Much love and huggles! MMxoxo
thank you for this, I am so sorry about your Miscarriages, I am suffering very early ones, I about 3-4 times a year get a positive result but then my period will start about 4-5 days late, I was told my body just isn't maintaing the pregnancies :( I need to add to this as many women suffer them, but I find it the hardest part to talk about. xxxx
DeleteMhairi I feel for you I really do. It seems so unfair that you can't concieve naturally. You have to do whatever you feel you need to do in order to start a family. No one here can judge you for that and if they try they can expect a shooting down from me personally. I will support you 100%. xXx
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely, I feel so loved right now, you are all fantastic, I just know I would always be wondering could the IVF have worked if i didn't at least try. x
DeleteWe've spoke at length about this but I just wanted to re-affirm you have mine and I'm sure everyone elses 100% support. It's an incredibly difficult position for you to be in, but your priority is to have a baby and if people can't support you in doing that then they're not very nice people. Love you x x
ReplyDeleteLove you too gorgeous lady, your support has been amazing I a love you lots and lots! xxx
DeleteMhairi, We haven't 'known' each other long, we've chatted on twitter a few times and I think you're a lovely lady. My thoughts go out to you and your hubby, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you both.
ReplyDeleteI conceived my kids easily and I think people can be very blase about fertility problems, when they don't have them to deal with.
As for losing the support of the plus size community, I'd be very surprised if that happened. As you say there are specfic reasons for the weight loss, if you hated your body why would you be a plus size blogger in the first place?! And if other bloggers judged you for it, they'd be a blogger I'm sure none of us would want much to do with!
I'm fairly new to plus size blogging, and I'm still amazed at the welcome I received, and I feel like one of the girls! Be assured I think if anyone put you down for losing weight they'd be a hell of a lot of bloggers who jumped to your defence, me included!
It sounds like you and your hubby are a great support for each other, I think it makes a difficult time a little easier if you have that support.
So looking forward to meeting you at Plus North, and keep posting those fab outfits!
Love Kaye xx
Thank you Kaye, Marc is really a very good husband, he supports me through so much, and thank you for your kind words, I really does mean so much, a lot of my worried are paranoia on my part, but it is a worry. xxx
DeleteCant wait to meet you either. xxx
Mhairi, anyone who shuts you out for wanting to lose weight for ANY reason are not even going to be worth your time of day. If they can be nice to you as a plus size, they sure as shiz can be nice to you as someone slimmer. Otherwise they just aren't actually very nice people. You can write blogs about lots of things. Yes, you write about being a plus size, but you also write about fashion for the normal every day lady - which is what a majority of us are.
ReplyDeleteLookit, as your big sister, I am telling you I am with you all the way. I am telling you I have been there, yes it happened sooner than the 10 year mark, but I also know that to get there, I also lost a lot of weight. Losing weight won't necessarily get you pregnant the natural way, but you have to get your head in the right frame of mind and accept yourself as you are and will be. I KNOW you can do everything you want to do. I know you can lose weight. I know you are going to be a wonderful mummy. I know all this because you are you. Stop fighting yourself, stop worrying about what other people will think and do this for YOU. You are the most beautiful person I know. Inside and out. I will admit here in front of all your friends now; I am jealous of my beautiful sister. She is beautiful. And I love her.
Do it, because you know you can. You can be happy. <3
I love you, and you made me cry now you daft mere, xxxxx
DeleteShuuuuut uuuuup! :D
DeleteThat's twice in two days I've made someone cry, dammit. I'm giving up! :D
And don't you dare ring me blubbing down the phone. I'm going out because you're going to make me cry. I'm off to the post office to send you some jewellery to photograph for me. Got one in there that's to send to Jamie if you don't mind posting it on. xxx
I am fine now, honest :) xxx posting it on id fine:) xxx
DeleteMhairi, I'm so pleased you felt able to write this post. This is your space and you should feel safe enough to write the things you want to. I really hope you get to the weight you need to be to be able to have IVF or at least get the medical profession to take you seriously. I also hope that you have your own baby one day, but if that isn't the way it's meant to be I'm glad you've found other ways to have children in your life.
ReplyDeleteThis community needs to be about acceptance of people, no matter how big or small or in between. I've not been in it very long but I'm pretty sure we'll get there soon!
It was the fabulous and honest post you wrote that finally pushed me to write this one, I need to do what is right for me and not what others think I should, I am moving forward from no on. xx
DeleteIts your life and you have to do what is right for you. Dont let anyone tell you what you should and should do. I wish nothing but the best of luck with your diet and baby making! Much love xxx
ReplyDeleteOh, I really seriously just wanted to leap into my computer and hug you once I'd finished reading this...mainly because of the fact that I just could really understand how you felt, not just from the eloquent way you put yourself across but also because of my own journey in regards to fertility.
ReplyDeleteNow as the most spinsterish spinster in town, I've never had any need to attempt to have children. Mainly with the not wanting them (or so I thought). But I've always had issues with my periods, ever since I started at the age of about 14. Now at the time, I was the ideal BMI for my height and frame and also was very active doing lots of high kicks and jazz hands. Yet, I know that if at that point in time for some reason I'd decided to become a teen mum, I'd not have been able to. Just as much as I know now that my doctor's insistance that I try and lose weight to control my PCOS will pretty much do nothing at all. Basically, I'm in the same boat that I've been told that I need to lose weight to improve my health, given I'm now at a very high risk of Diabetes, but it really does clash with that thing of me learning to love myself exactly as I am. I can entirely sympathise with that feeling of desperately wanting to follow the advice given in order to give yourself the best chance either at life or at conceiving in your case, but then feeling slightly like you've defected against something you really believe in, such as accepting yourself.
I dont know if I'm getting it across, but I'm trying to convey that on some small level, I can entirely understand how you're feeling, and that you've all my support....if getting what your heart desires most means losing a bit of weight and saying screw it to some of the blogging community, then thats exactly what you should do and you have all the backing that I can give. Our lives, and our blogs, are our own and if you should choose to live a certain way or blog a certain way, then thats your right as an individual.
Much, much love being sent your way....you are fab, and I completely agree that you'd make an ace mum, from what I know of you. *hugs*
Thank you my lovely, your hugs are so so appreciated, I have been dealing with this for the last 10 years and it has just come to the point where I know i have to try something to ease my mind or go insane, so many women and men are in this situations and I know how much of a personal hell it can be.
DeleteI have decided that even though I have to loose the weight I need to love myself at any size or my self acceptance is pointless, tbh, my weightloss has always been difficult, but I can only try, and if the IVF doesn't work, I can continue to be me. x
I feel for you. I just watched that episode of Khloe and Lamar when Khloe addresses this issue, look at Giuliana Rancic... there are lots of people in the public eye fighting this private battle. My heart aches. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeletexoxox-
sabrina
www.samplesize16.com
Thank you for reading, I wasnt sure if anyone would even want to read the post, but I know how often I feel alone in this and just hope I can help someone else. x
DeleteThere are so many sufferers of fertility issues and so little is spoken about still. x
I am writing tonight as I read your blogg on a regular basis and love it!! I am currently going through exactly the same issues with fertility as you. I have been trying for a family for over a year after a very difficult misscarriage in June last year as I did not know I was pregnant after being told I would be very unlikely to conceive naturally due to pcos. Following the misscarriage which I'm still getting over emotionally myself and my husband have been trying and to no avail test after test confirmed it was me that was having the problem and I was not regularly ovulating and I was told by every doctor loose weight or you won't be able to have treatment to resolve your issues! I know how hard it is to be told over and over about weight and I know how hard it is to loose weight I'm
ReplyDeleteGoing through this battle too I Know exactly what your going through! Myself and my husband are now going private for treatment and have a great doctor but even he has encouraged me to loose weight and I am battling on. Love and all my support to you!! We Can do it!!!!!!
Thank you so much for reading, miscarriage is an awful thing to live through, mine have all been extremely early, but even then it is soul destroying to go through it, I hope you find a solution with your new consultant, I know being a mum is something I want and I know so many others who want it too. xxx
DeleteYou and I spoke about this a little at Plus London, and you know that I love you lots and will support you as much as I can (like taking some of your gorgeous clothes off your hands when you start shrinking :D).
ReplyDeleteI think as long as you TW your posts (for those who make be sensitive to issues such as these), then you will get much love from us all.
BOOBY HUGS xxx
Ivdont plan on blogging about the whole thing here, I might make a second blog to rant on. X x
DeleteOh Mhairi. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation (and been in it for a decade), I have only met you once, but you seemed so lovable and amazing person, that I'm heartbroken about the fact that you can't get the one thing you want :(. You have my full support and you're always a part of this community, I assure you! If someone 'gets mad' at you losing weight for a reason like this, then they are seriously COLD and STUPID people. And I know I have to start slowly losing weight myself as well (damn blood pressure and my thyroid condition), and it sucks, because like you, I have just started accepting me as I am. If you need to talk the dreaded 'diet talk', you can always talk to me, I will not judge cos I need to do it too.
ReplyDeleteBIG HUGS!!!!! xx
Thank you so much, your kind words have made me a bit teary eyed, I will also be here for you 100% and if you ever need to talk I am here too. xxxx
DeleteLovelyMhairi.
ReplyDeleteThis kind of struggle is one that resonates with many, many women. You know, having someone like yourself - who is gorgeous and fabulous being an honest voice on this is really inspiring. The fact is honey, this is your wonderful life and you need to live for your hopes and dreams. You are the person you have to look out for.
I've never stopped following or loving a blog on the basis of someone losing weight. I think people need to find their body confidence where they can and I truly believe most of us bloggers agree in that. I think when people entirely shift a blog focus from fatshion to weight loss that can cause some static amongst their readers - but purely based on the fact that those blogs move from positive, plus size fashion, to meal announcing diet blogging. That's quite a change!
But for you honey, this is about having children. You can lose some weight, talk about your struggle with IVF, look at fashion and just be honest. You've announced here - in this amazing and honest post - what you are going through. Just imagine how great you will feel if this works out and then get pregnant... NONE of this will matter because you'll have a tiny miracle happening.
Your blog is 100% your space. We all know you and love you. Anyone who would hold something like this against you is someone who is closed really, to the struggle of fertility challenged women. I think that most of us who read these blogs are pretty similar in mindset. We need to look after each other.
So you take your blog wherever you need. Just do whatever is best for you. You know, ultimately, us plus size girls have issues just the same as any other women and talking about them is a GOOD thing.
Loves. x.