Finding Happiness

When I started this blog it was a lifeline for me, I was trapped by my anxiety and depression never leaving my home unless I had my husband or parents with me. I started trying to blog about my life and my love of shopping it was hard and overwhelming at times but I persevered and it became my happy place.

In the last year or so it has become overwhelming again, mostly because the undiagnosed pain I had been suffering for the past 7 or so years had become much worse and had began impacting on my life. I couldn't walk far anymore without requiring a 2 hour sleep to recover, my hands and feet were so painful at times I dropped everything I tried to pick up and could hardly walk on waking. I thought I was losing my mind. Doctors had been scratching their heads for years, I had every test they could think of and still seemed as far away from the diagnosis as I was when it all began.

In February this year I was at the end of my rope, I was crying constantly and in so much pain at times, it was making me feel dizzy and sick, I was not sleeping more than two hours at night and then feeling like a zombie or passing out on the sofa, my life was at a standstill. My next appointment with the rheumatologist was due at the end of february and I was dreading it, I expected the usual crap, fobbed off with more excuses and passed to another department for more test, I almost didn't go, it felt pointless, but my husband persuaded me to go to the hospital, I had an appointment with the head consultant this time, I usually saw one of his team, this was our first meeting and that in itself was freaking me out but when I walked in he made me feel very relaxed, he asked me to describe my pain and how it was affecting my life, it was like opening a flood gate! I poured out the last 7 years frustrations in about 5 minutes I think even he was a bit overwhelmed, but it felt good to tell someone how crap my experiences had been.

After performing a physical exam, he sat me down and asked me if I had heard of Fibromyalgia, I knew the basics of it as I had wondered about it myself as I know a few people who suffer, he told me that sometimes it happens for no apparent reason or can to be linked to a physical or mental trauma.
and stress is a big factor in the pain cycle, he told me that my life seems pretty hectic and crazy right now and I need to find a way to balance some of it out, he started me on medication to help with the pain and recommended I see his psychologist who specialises in stress and pain management.

The relief I felt that day was immense, I finally had a reason for the pain, I was not losing my mind, I laughed and cried and felt a glimmer of hope for the future. since then I have been vey up and down, the pain this last week has been horrendous and very hard to cope with, but the medication is helping with some aspects my feet and hands are not as severe in the mornings and my skin isn't as sensitive, a poke in the arm before felt like I had been punched my pain signals were all over the place, just need to find a way to stop the pain in my hips being quite so bad.

I am going to find time to talk about fibromyalgia as it isn't well known and it helps me to talk about it and discuss coping strategies.

One of my strategies I am giving a go starting today is the 100HappyDays challenge, I think it is a beautiful idea and hope it will help me to see the wonderful happy things I do have in my life.

If you would like to find out more about it, I went HERE and signed up this morning.

My first happy day goes to my handsome dog Ron who ran to me this morning to get his kisses, I hand reared him and we are very close, he is my big baby. He went to the vets this morning to be castrated so I will be a nervous wreck all day, but this picture is keeping a smile on my face until I get to pick him up.

My 100happydays will likely include lots of silly pictures of all my beautiful dogs.

I want to try to post my 100 days, I might do this on a daily basis or I might post a weekly update, I am just going to go with the flow!

What makes you happy?

Mhairi
xxx

Onward and upward 2014 here I come!

Happy New Year to all my wonderful readers! I hope 2014 is full of happiness, love and opportunities. 

xxx

2013 for me, if I am really honest, was terrible, my mental and physical health suffered quite a bit meaning that all my efforts to meet the weight goals for the fertility treatment have gone out of the window and I have instead gained a lot more, financially 2013 was worse than terrible, so this year to be honest has to get better!

I have come to realise that resolutions and declaring this year will be the best year ever aren't going to cut it, only I can make the changes required to make this year better, I already have an interview lined up for next week, either way that is a positive step forward into the new year.

The blog is getting a new lease of life for 2014 too, my own self image took a real beating in the latter half of 2013 and I got into the bad habit of hiding from my camera and myself meaning that the blog slowed down to nearly nothing which made me even more depressed so I will be making every effort to get my but in gear, the blog wont be the same, I have decided that it needs to be about all of me not just the bits I feel comfortable of safe sharing, it will include our fertility journey, my endeavors to home-school my 14 year old step son through his GCSE's as well as the usual fashion and lifestyle posts.

There may be discussion of my weight loss as this is a huge part of the fertility journey, but please understand I do not believe everyone needs to diet, but I do support other peoples choice to do it if it is really what they want to do, everyone has different goals in life and I support them all. I don't do faddy diets so will just be trying to eat healthily and increase my daily exercise which is something I want and need to do regardless of the weight loss.

2014 is about taking control of our life and working together to make it better, our house has been in a total state for the last 2 years mainly because I have been avoiding doing anything about it, but moving forward I plan on working our way to a beautiful home. I have a post coming later which shows the transformation of our old dreary horrid kitchen to its new fabulous look, and some furniture up cycling posts for you in the near future too.

I am back ladies and gents and more determined than ever to make my life a happy and worthwhile adventure!

I hope you enjoy coming along for the ride.

xxx

well its day two. xx

Mood Enhancing Gym

So yesterday I finally managed to get to my gym induction and get started.

It has been a bit of a nightmare to be honest, I had a horrific stomach bug the first time I was meant to go, then I rescheduled and realised I had double booked myself with a doctors appointment that I couldn't miss, so again I had to reschedule.

That is why I found myself at the gym at 8am yesterday morning looking like a zombie and feeling a bit daft as I had forgotten my glasses (I have only worn them full time for 10years) and feeling a bit strange in my new gym gear.

My main reasons for my gym  journey are to allow me to go forward with IVF and to help me become fitter as to be honest I am pretty unfit. 

I am not going to go into the ins and outs of the results of the gym in this blog as that is why I have started my second blog at BabyaChance so if the results are something you are interested in or the IVF journey in general head over to baby a chance and follow me for regular updates.

What I will do with this blog is tell you how I am coping with it all, as going to the gym can be a pretty terrifying prospect for some people, and also talk about what I wear and what works for me and what doesn't.

Something I do want to discuss is how the gym makes me feel, my mental health definitely gets a significant boost when I attend the gym.

The last few weeks has seen me feeling very down and suffering severe anxiety, and after I left the gym yesterday I felt up beat, happy and awake for the first time in a long time.

Now this isn't the case for everyone some people just hate the gym, but I have always loved it. 

In recent years I have not felt the confidence in myself to really go for it, but after my CBT sessions I have really begun to look at my life and the choices I make, most of my choices in the past involve avoiding any situations that scare me, which to be honest have meant I have been pretty much a hermit and my agoraphobia has become pretty out of control.

CBT allowed me to look at the gym and decide if there was a genuine reason for me to be frightened or if it was me creating a problem that wasn't there.

I have come to the conclusion that while the worry of being looked at for being overweight was a genuine worry, I realised that I am in no danger at the gym, I am there for myself and no one else, and that I want to get fitter as I am finding it harder to walk long distances and do activities I used to find easy, my weight isn't a huge factor in this as I found them easy even at this size, but right now I am so unfit I am struggling, my asthma is threatening to come back with a vengeance and my knees hurt after even short bursts or exercise.

I have had some fabulous sports wear sent to me which I will show you in a few posts, and it has helped me feel confident and prepared as in the past I have always flung on some ill fitting leggings or joggers and one of my husbands T-shirts and gone with it, but I always felt a bit drab and out of place, yesterday I felt pretty darn fabulous!

I hope you are ok with me posting about some of my experiences here, as this is my space and I love it and my readers, and feel it is a huge part of my life.

Most of that post was a little all over the place, so I am sorry if it is confusing.

I have some huge plans for 2013 to really challenge myself and push my boundaries to break out of my depression and anxiety cycle, but I will tell you about them another time.

Mhairi

xxx

Disclaimer: my Gym membership has been given to me as a gift from my local community gym to help me reach my goals.

We all fall down!

Sometimes life feel like a kick in the teeth! The last few month for me have felt like that often, I promised myself 2013 would be better than 2012 and it mostly has.

I started a new job a few weeks back but unfortunately I have had to give it up due to it being too many hours alongside studying my degree, I am genuinely in awe of people who manage to balance full time study with full time work.

This situation threw me into a major funk of depression and anxiety, but I seem to be clawing my way back out of it.

My disappointment in myself has been hard to shake but I need to realise that I am actually proud of myself for trying something that even 3 months ago would have been utterly impossible for me, I went to my job, I tried and although it didn't pan out, I didn't leave because I could cope with the job itself but because it jeopardised my ability to complete my degree.

Today I am making a go of turning a corner and getting on with my life as I know it and I am not going to dwell on what I have not done but what I can do.

Today is finally my gym induction and I have an appointment to see my GP so going to get back on track.

I am still trying to catch up on my review items that I have had since November, which means reviews are popping up fairly regularly, sorry if it is too much, but normal service is nearly ready to resume.

Mhairi

xxx